If you ask me what motherhood has taught me, I will say, patience and… patience. Patience has become my strength, as long as I use it properly, killing anxieties and uncertainties. On the other hand, motherhood has made me vulnerable. And this vulnerability is a weakness, as well as a threat. Internal threats are the fears residing in my subconscious. And external, the factors which are out of my control.
As a mother, I have to learn to mask my vulnerabilities to raise a confident daughter. If she gets an impression of ‘confusion’ at home, it will become ingrained in her ‘subconscious’ when it comes to challenges in her life – be it studies, play, competitions, relationships, career.
Take my latest indecision, for instance. The left side of my brain, the logical thinker, reasons with me to continue working. It hounds me with thoughts – How can you sit at home after 9 years of work ? I can’t. I just can’t. And my right side, emotional fool, asks me keep a close vigil on how my kid is being taken care of in my absence. Did she drink milk, eat well, sleep, was her diaper changed on time ? And even more now, with the kind of depressing news airing on T.V. and newspapers each day.
I have no clue, how I will cope with these fears. But I have to. I have to think positively and about all those women who go out to work and raise their children just fine. The proportion of children who are managed and taken care of well is higher than those who unfortunately fall prey to sick minds.
Now I understand, how my mother must have felt. She has never accepted my traveling for work and staying in hotels, despite my reassuring her that good business hotels are safe. She never bought my argument, and further, ignored all the gifts bought on my official visits. Now I understand why I wasn’t ever allowed to go on school tours, picnics, stay at friend’s place overnight. It was her vulnerability, insecurity and determination to control external factors as much as she could.
Three decades later, I am in her shoes. I guess the struggle has just begun. At one end of the spectrum, I am writing an article on “How to help your child identify sexual abuse” and on the other end, I am as vulnerable as a child when it comes to my fears, dwelling in “what if…?”